Sunday, May 19, 2002

Feeling kinda bummed.... It's that time again when I start questioning so many things and looking to find answers to questions that only God can answer. I realized that moping over a guy or any little petty thing in life is just a waste of time. I remembered the letter I wrote to Gerard after he passed away, and after I read it, I felt at peace. So what if I havent seen Edgar again? I really think that by the time he comes around and realizes what a cool chick I am, it'll be too late. So boo fuckin hoo! I met Victor on Thursday and he's a super interesting and sweet guy. Lauren (my lover in the picture below) thinks that he likes me....soooooooo...we'll se what happens. On friday my boss told me that a reporter from the Boston Globe was looking to write a feature article about childhood cancer survivors, and she had told her about me, so it looks like I might get picked as the subject! It's just been swimming around in myhead, maybe thats why I've been sorta bummed. Anyway, I know I had posted this letter before, but maybe some of you hadn't seen it. Hope you like it. �Can I tell you something, Lisa? Promise not to get mad?� �Sure.� �I think your face looks a little rounder than it used to be, like you kind of gained some weight.� �Aughhhhh�.did you just call me �fat� Gerard?� �No, you don�t look bad, I was just making a comment.� �Gerard, I love you, but not in that way, so don�t get excited.� �I know what you mean. I love you too.� That was some of the bits from my last conversation with Gerard, about 1 week before he passed away. I hadn�t gone to visit him for a while because I wasn�t sure I could deal with seeing him. I was expecting the worst, but when I saw him, he didn�t look at all like what I had imagined him. He looked like he always did, just a few pounds lighter, and with some sideburns. We joked around and laughed, just like we always did. Gerard taught me so much about life. He set an example for all of us with his bravery. Everyone who met him was instantly drawn to him; his personality was amazing. He always kept a positive attitude and made sure that other people around him stayed positive too. He would always tell me to stop being so �fresa� and trying to be something I wasn�t. He would always say something of mine was nice��for him to poop on. He knew that I loved n*sync and kept on yelling, �you guys suck� at the concert just to spite me. When I heard that Gerard had passed away, I thought that someone had made a mistake. We had all said hi to him the night before. We all sobbed and wailed at the airport. Some people even stopped to ask if we were all ok. I cried for hours, and it still hurts to think that I will never see that smile again. But I will not mourn for Gerards death anymore. He wouldn�t want any of us to, and I can just imagine him saying that too. Instead I choose to celebrate his life, and treasure all the great memories that I was able to share with him. People always say that you need to let loved ones know how you feel about them before it�s too late. I am glad I put my selfishness aside and got to see Gerard and let him know that I loved him. There were some things I didn�t say that I would like to let him know. Gerard, thank you for being you, for always having the best smile in the world on your face even when none of us were brave enough to do the same. You taught me that life is what you make of it, and that you can turn something bad into something good. I felt so helpless so many times, like I wasn�t quite sure of what I could do to help you, cure you, or make the pain go away. I think not having answers to so many questions is what makes us feel useless, but I do promise you one thing. I survived cancer for a reason, whatever that may be. I would�ve done anything to switch places with you and let you live, because no one I know deserves to live more than you did. I can�t do that, but I promise to never regret being alive, and making sure that not a single day of my life is ever wasted. I will remember to always look at the brighter side of things and not let the small things in life get me down. You truly set an example with your life to all of us, Gerard. Thank you, for teaching me more about life than I ever knew. I�ll see you in heaven, buddy. Love, Lisa

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

ha ha ha holly mole! I got into a car accident on I-10 yesterday! It was me and a motorcycle! Two gay guys were on the bike and they rear ended my car. Nothing happened, no one was hurt, and I just laughed my ass off. Like this... :D he he he he :D Edgar called me from work today! :D:D:D Must mean he digs me if he's calling me from his work, right? Go Lisa go Lisa! And I talked to Aaron today also, not applebee's Aaron, TKE Aaron. I saw Applebees Aaron on Saturday when he came over to mi casa. TKE Aaron called me today and he said he would cook dinner for me! :D I'm allllll smiles today! go lisa go lisa!

Friday, May 10, 2002

Someone hurry up and throw a pity party for me.... I had a really interesting day today, for more reasons than one. Want to read about them? :/ Today I was at work, not really doing anything so they asked me to run across the street to the hospital to take some toys and stuff to one of our kids. (I work at an organization for kids with cancer.) So I go over, and I gave him some Star Wars action figures and some coloring books and Play Dough. I sat in the room with him and his mom for a little while and chit-chatted with him. I just kind of talked to him about my experiences with cancer, and how I am all better now. I asked him if he needed anything else, and he said he wanted stickers. He didn't really care what kind of stickers, so I teased him and asked if Barbie stickers were ok. Thrn I asked him what he would give me in return for these stickers, and he looked at me right in the eyes and said "a hug." He had been laying down in his bed the whole time, but he then sat up and streched out his arms for me. I hugged him and I swear, I have never felt so good about doing something before. When I left his room and I walked back to the office, I started to kind of cry. I saw so much of myself in this little boys eyes. His mom called me later and told me that my visit had cheered him up and he was asking when I would go back. The fact that I was able to make someone happy and give them some hope to keep fighting for their life made me feel better than anything has ever made me feel. Seeing all the kids that stop by the office and run to hug me and ask me to play with them, and seeing them whine when they have to leave, it makes me feel like I've finally found what I want to do for the rest of my life because it just feels so right. Like I'm sitting here typing to no one, but it makes me feel great and somehow, I feel like I'm finally at home where I belong. Cheesey, I know. :) On the other hand, I just got off the phone with Edgar a whike ago and it's like, this guy just blows me away. I dont think I've ever been so smitten (is that the right word) by a guys mind before. I love talking to him and hearing all the things he has to say. Just the same way he can have a deep conversation with me, he can just go off and start talking like a total guy, and it's great! Even if I just end up as his friend, I'd be happy because he's by far one of the deepest, most interesting people I've ever met. And he uses big words too, boys and girls! I have to admit, I really want to see him again because kissing him was delicious. (like you all really cared or even wanted to know) I dont know. who knows. Do you know?

Wednesday, May 08, 2002

It's been awhile....... Ok ok....It's been over a week since I last posted, I'm lazy what can I say. Another hectic week at work with tons of stuff to be done. This week I've been so tired, I'm walking around like a seen in the cam pic. In other news, I went on a date with that guy I met at Reno's a few weekends ago. . He's actually good-looking and he's a really interesting guy. We talked about a lot of deep subjects and we were both pretty much on the same wavelength on alot of things. We didnt really do anything special, just kind of hung out at his friends pool and drank some cerveza. It was all pretty mellow untill everyone there left to go to the bathroom, except me and the guy that lived there, we stayed by the pool. Well to make a long story even longer, this guys girlfriend walks in and starts yelling at him for telling her that he was just going to go to bed and not do anything that night. Then...omg....she looks at me and asks me if I'm having fun with her boyfriend. So I just went into shock and I thought...."oh my god...this girl is going to pop me in the face...." As if I wasnt already scared enough, she starts slamming her hand on the table and throwing chairs around!!! I thought I was gonna get it good, and all I could do was just sit there and watch. So this guy is telling her that I'm there with someone else and she gets even more mad...ahhh....I guess you had to be there. Ooooh and I got a new cell phone from work....and it has unlimited airtime!!!!! :D All the minutes I can talk...for free!!! <3 my job Cesar is having his big "end of school" bash this saturday. I told him to make it into a surprise party for me, but as usual he said no. jerk! Every year I tell him to do it, and every year he says no. I havent gone in like.....5 years to this party, so I feel that I need to make a cameo this year. However I wont be swimming. I'll just sit by the jungle juice and laugh at Fat Albert when he drives his car into someones house again. (sorry fatty, you're just the worst drunk driver ever) It should be fun if I ignore all those people that will be there that annoy me. *note to self...get ear plugs* aaaand....I have some fan signs to post on here! Thanks guys!