I am on the worlds most fucked up emotional roller coaster. :/ I love Ryan more than him or anyone ould ever understand. Things have been going sooo weird lately. I said some really mean stuff and he didnt bite his tounge when he lashed out at me. Wednesday was horrible and I wish I wouldve stayed home. Now I think he might be trying to make things work for us, but i dont know. I think he really just needs to get his stuff straight and prove to himself that hs better than all of this. All i can do now is be at his side if he needs someone who really cares. :(

Ugh...enough with the crying and wondering what becomes of the broken hearted already!!! Fuck! All I can say now is that I know that I'm a good person and i know that I deserve to be happy and this sure as hell isnt making me happy at all. I need to tell you about my trip to Austin! I had such a blast! I hung out with Reagan and his friend Shawn and David came up from San Antonio to see me too. We were just walking around on 6th street and we decided to go to this place called Crocodile Rock. Its a pretty neat bar. They have 2 guys on 2 pianos and a drummer on stage. They played some awesome songs and Shawn even got a lap dance from a girl on her bachlorette party! :) I got to spend time with David, which I hadnt seen since that one time at Copa freshman year second semester! OMG Thats the night that I hooked up with that hot Abercrombie looking guy! Remember that Nepha? hahaha Well anyway, David looked the same, just a little chunkier. He said that I looked great and even more beautiful than he remembered. :D He was wearing Issey Miyki too! I got him that cologne when we were in high school because I told him it drove me nuts. I was just smelling him all night! We went to some other bar called Cheers and I had like 293843365096097554849302094845738388495.003 shots. Ok maybe it was more like 4 shots, but I was sooooo fucked up. I was in my hotel by 12:30! :O omg imalush! Reagan and Shawn were busy getting their freak on, so I didnt want to poop on their party. Reagan got his boxers stolen by some chicks, Shawn was mackin on all the waitresses David was just sitting there, and I was throwing up all over the place. So needless to say, David walked me back to my hotel. We got some gross pizza which might have been delicious if I didnt have alcohol poisoning and we ate it as we walked back to the Omni. I threw up like 24 more times in my room and then I passed out. I didnt even notice David leave. He said he tried to wake me up, but I wouldnt move. Isnt it great how I could have had some serious alcohol poisoning but my ex boyfriend didnt even try to shake the fuck out of me untill he made sure I was awake and breathing? Hmph.... All in all it was a super good time and I have a lot more reasons to be happy and thankfull and cheery and peppy and stupid and bimbo-ish than to be sad and angry over someone who cant figure their life out. Yes, I may still be bitter, but I'm moving on, I have great friends and I know that theyre here for me no matter what! I love you guys so much! You know who you are, and if you dont....Gaby, Nepha, Julian, Margaret, Lauren, Lencho, Dan, Cesar, Jeree, Julio, Paul, Gabe, Denise, Steve and everyone else! I <3 you!

Yesterday was a very emotional day, but then again, arent they all? haha....Julian and Margaret really came to my rescue and didn't let me be alone. After we all got freshened up we were going to go to the Kings X and have some drinks there. I called Gaby and Nepha and they both came down from NMSU. Thanks guys! Girl Gang and the new Vagina Squad loves you. (no tounges please) Ju-Ju asked me if i minded getting a ride from Wes (Ryans brother) since Wes lives closer to me than him. I said no prob but i had to call and check when he would be ready. So I called and Ryan answered and wanted to know why I was going out with his brother. I dont even know what to do anymore. I love Ryan more than I could ever explain to anyone, but why does he act this way? All I want is to put all this behind us and go back to how things used to be. I'd give anything to have that back, just to have my boyfriend back. But I did have a blast with Juju Margaret, Gaby, Nepha, Yanar, Jazmine, and Wes. Ju-Ju's psycho waiter alter-ego came out when he got a little tipsy. I think we were all pretty fucked up. It was good to be around so many people who love me and knew that I needed a friend. Even though you guys are some major bitches, I am so lucky to have you as my friends. I <3 you guys.

Julian and Margaret, I <3 you guys so much. Thaks you for being here for me when I needed a friend or two! *muah* Ju-Ju and Meg really came through for me today by surprising me at mi casa and taking me out for some drinks. I don't know what I would do without you guys. Meg with the peg leg, you give the best advice ever and you will make a kick ass lawyer! <333 Ju-Ju, you have been more than a best friend for me this summer. We've done so much crazy shit together and I'm trully blessed to have a friend like you. :) Thank you for putting up with me and being here for me in the good and bad times. You guys are amazing! Now hurry up and get back to my house so we can go drink some everclear on the rocks!

As I sit here writing this, I cant help but cry or feel completely empty. Last night my worst nightmare came true. I never thought it would happen to me, but it did. When I met you, I wasnt sure I liked you and I never thought it would get this far. But you seemed to really like me, and to care about me in a genuine way. From the first night we went out I shouldve known that you were involved with things that I didnt need to be around. But you were in such bad shape, that I was scared to let you be alone. Not because I was in love with you, but because I was worried for your safety, much like I worry now. After that night, there wasnt a day when we werent together. I helped you in any way I could, even though at the same time I wasn't really helping myself. That didnt matter, because I was growing closer to you, and I wanted to help you, be with you, show you that I cared. You swore that you had never felt this way about anyone ever so quickly. You said you loved me, and that scared me so much, of course I wouldnt be able to say it back. But you said that maybe with-in time, I would be able to say it. I did say it, knowing that then, I was completely voulnerable. I tried so hard to keep my little emotional wall up, trying not to let my gaurd down. You asked me to open up to you, because if I didn't, then we wouldn't get anywhere in our relationship. That was the hardest thing for me, showing you how I really feel about you know. As soon as I did that, you turned away from me. I thought I was what you needed. I kept you out of trouble, or I tried to anyway. I loved you and cared for you, rushing to be by your side when you needed me the most. I sat with you in the hospital, I took you wheverver you needed to go and I never expected anything in return, except for your love. Then several things started happening to you, and all of a sudden you realized that your life was going nowhere. I was there by your side, but you wanted to be alone. I didnt understand why you would push me away this time. Why didnt you need me by your side this time when things werent going right? It came out of nowhere, it shocked me and scared the hell out of me. I started to think about a million things that I could have done wrong to cause you to act like this. I tried to make things better, but it seems I only made things worse. The more I tried to get close to you again, the more you pushed me away, and you said the meanest things anyone who ever said they loved me has ever said. If this is what loving someone is like for you, then maybe I'm not the one with the problem. Let me give you my two cents worth now. You seem to have a problem with fucking up anything good that you have going for you. You fucked up by going out of town with your job, your family, your health, and me. For someone who wants to prioritze and get their shit together, you arent doing a very good job. I stuck by you even when everyone told me that I could do better. That I didnt need to be with someone like you. I didn't listen because I love you, and I believed in us, and I wanted to make things work. Well it takes two to tango, right? Now after seeing you there with another girl, I believe that everything you ever said to me was a lie. You've managed to hurt me and make me feel more worthless than any man ever has. I'm just glad I finally got to see it with my own eyes, as much as it hurt, now I know that I'm not the one that isnt good enough for you. I may not be the most beautiful girl in the world, or be the best person alive, but I know I'm better than being treated this way. They told me that if you really loved me, you would come look for me. I can honestluy say that I do love you, that I'm in love with you. I'd even like to believe that this is something we can work out. But its the worst feeling inside when someone you love, opened up to, and trusted, breaks all that was there. The bottom line is this: I dont understand why you would do this and I havent understood this whole time. Last night, I was able to understand that you just need to fuck up anything thats good for you. If thats what you want, then theres nothing I can do. You cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped and you cant love someone who doesnt want to be loved.

Ok....so maybe I overracted and blew the whole Ryan saying he needed time out of proportion. We talked yesterday for a little bit and things seemed to be cleared up and better now. I guess I need to chill out if I'm going to be a "Down Ass Chick". Having a boyfriend is so draining, now I remember why I didnt have one for over 2 years! But Ryan makes me happy, so I can't complain. Anyway...I see you guys coming to the site, yet no one buys me anything! How can I be a cam girl if you guys dont shell out a few bucks and shower me with gifts. SO WHAT if I'm not an A-list cam girl....I need to start somewhere, right? In other news, Ju-Ju and I will be hanging out tonight. He works the door at the Comic Strip tonight, so I'll just help him ask for peoples ID's and be gay and stupid with him untill 9. Then we shall party like theres no tomorrow. It sucks that I wont be with Ry-Ry, but at the same time I need to give him his space. *sigh* Ok...Im here at work, ad I havent really done anything productive yet except make 1 phone call. I'm downloading songs and blogging....AND GETTING PAYED FOR IT! Suckers! :( Did I mention I no longer have a cell phone? Aparantly, when I was in Cloudcroft, my phone was roaming, piece of shit 80's monster phone didnt even work 1/2 the time. Well, the Adm. Assistant got the bill for my phone and my boss's phone the other day....each phone bill was over $1,000. =O Holy Mole-ey! Yeah...so I dont have a cell for now. I'm going to get a Sprint phone, but I need to wait untill next pay day because I need to leave a $125 dollar deposit. Pooper on that! yech. Buy me a phone, send money. help a sistah out fooz! Peace in da Middle East!

After only 1 and a 1/2 months.....Ryan decided to give me the ever-popular "I need my space" talk. *Inmense amount of pity here* :( Maybe I am co-dependent. Ugh. He makes me so angry sometimes.....ok ok....most of the time. :/ I told him we shouldn't talk at all untill I get back from Austin, then he said I was overeacting and that my suggestion was stupid. Men. So, anyone know where the hot spots are on 6th street? I need to know where to go and what I need to wear. Hit up the comments or e-mail me and let me know! Im depressed. Buy me something.

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:(

I hate Reno now. I know i used to love it and blah blah blah and Reno this and Reno that, but now it sucks ass! Ugh...let's go back to the begining. Tuesday Lauren was going to celebrate her b-day so she wanted to go to Reno. She turned 22, why she would want to go to Mexico is beyond me, but I dragged Ryan with me and that was my first big mistake. It was incredibly packed, there were girls who must have been 15, boys who hadnt even hit puberty, it was horrible! Another one of Ryans friends asked him if I was a stripper. That makes it 3. Apparently Ry-Ry is well known for going to Prince Machiavelli's (the strip club with the nicest looking girls in El Paso) and theres this other place called the Lamplighter. Well they ask where I work and I say Candlelighters, so bam...they think stripper. NO!!! I WENT TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL MY WHOLE LIFE! Then Ryan's last 2 gf's were dancers at Prince. His friend Corn Fed asked, hIs brother thought I was when he first met me, and his friends ex gf asked him if i was too. Gawd! Its going to take more than a few bucks to get me to strip down and show you my hoo-has while dancing around on some old geeks lap. Ryan and I haven't been doing so hot either. I love being with him, but he just snaps sometimes and it makes me wonder if he's hurting me more than he's making me happy. He's bi-polar, and he doesnt take his medicine, so I'm SCREWED! But when it's just me and him, it's nice. Does that make sense? No? I know! I can honestly say that I have deep feelings for him and blah blah blah. But we're both pretty fucked up since we've been through bad break ups and we're scared of getting hurt. So between his shit talking and me being a pussy, it's hard to get any real feelings across. My chair is warm. Patrick has had his ass on it for a while. :/ Guys...buy me something from my wishist. Im suicidal. K thanks!