Monday, December 30, 2002

Hi my name is Lisa, I'm 21 years old, and I have a problem. I date guys that treat me like shit and I like it! hahaha OK so Marcus gave me the ever ppular "I need time to myself right now" talk and somehow that makes me so sad and so angry and so confused. I miss him like crazy, but what am I gonna do? Well I have decided a few things. I am going to move back to New Mexico. Thats right, I'm going to go back to NMSU. :D It is something that I've been debating for a while, but now with all this drama (not just the Marcus drama) going on in my life, I think it's best if I just go away. I know, I'm such a chicken for running from my problems. My car is still dead, so I finally got sick of waiting for my dad to call a repair place and do someting about it, so I called one on my own. I sounded like a moron tyring to explain what was wrong with my car to that man. So I go downstairs and ask my dad if he jump starts the car does he think I could make it to the shop. And he says he already called someone. Grrrr. I hate being without a car. I have also been enjoying beign a groupie. :D I've been partying with the Washington and Purdue football payers this weekend. I had sooo much fun. We danced allll night long and they were so fun and cute and cool! Why can't NMSU or UTEP football players be so cool? OK, well there is that ONE utep football player that makes me swoon, but thats another story. My friends and I are going to the Sun Fiesta today, so it should be good! Then we're all gonna go to the Sun Bowl tomorrow. We dont know a damn thing about football, but we're going to get wasted and cheer for the cute guys.

Monday, December 23, 2002

Last night my friends and I got together to celebrate Christmas. I was still crying because I have no idea what is going on with Marcus, so at first I was kind of blah. Then Nepha told us that Mario had proposed to her, so we all got happy. Karla Rivera and Leo are more in love than ever, but he's in Acapulco with his family right now, so she was just really bummed out. Ariana and Roman are still together and things are great for her. Karla Sanchez is still with the Cesar drama that never ends and she swears that this time they broke up for good. Natalia is still my partner in crime for the girls who just cant have a relationship. We all went around ij a circle and said what we were thankful for, and we were all pretty much thankfull for the same things. Our friendship. Everyone said things that really came from the heart, and we all realized that guys come and go, other people come and go, jobs come and go, but we always have each other and we know that when we get together everything is kind of put on hold because we have a true friendship. Of course we all caught up on gossip, shared secrets (that had been kpt for years and years) and we laughed. Karla had this little book that her mom gave her on love. We talked about love and relationships and feelings and emotions and how we felt. I can honestly say that I dont think I have ever bonded with someone in that way. Everything we talked about made me realize just how much I have changed. I thought that I had changed and become a better person by becoming more open minded and trusting people. I have been such an idiot because I have let myself grow apart from my friends and I started hanging out with people that I would never even associate with a few years ago. I dont mean to sound like a snob, if anything, I'm glad that I'm not a snob anymore and that I am capable of seeing past the physical and more into the soul. We stayed up till 1 am talking, and my friends made me feel so good and they helped me see that I'm worth more than this, and if he isn't mature enough to pick up a phone and call me, at least to tell me that he hates me, then I'm not the one with the problem. I learned alot about what love is, what love does, what love takes, and that love hurts. After talking with Karla, I saw that she and Leo were really in love and that I've never felt that way about anyone before. I have loved people, but never have I gotten the feelings that she described. Do I love Marcus? Yes. Am in love with him? No. I would be crazy to say that. I am so hurt, I cant even find any other words to say how much it hurts. It hurts that I'm not going to call him, and it hurts knowing that he probably isnt going to call me. The hardest part is trying to understand how he could've changed so much. I thought that he was the man that I had always dreamed of. He had so many qualities that I thought were what I was looking for in a partner. He treated me like a princess, he made me feel so special, so cared for, so loved. And how he was able to just take it all away without explaining anything, and from one day to the next, I dont underastand. last night when I got home, I was reflecting on what I had talked about with my friends, then I thought of Marcus and i started to cry. I miss him. I miss him so much. So I did something that I do when I've lost all hope and I need someone to talk to who will just listen. I prayed. Not so much because I miss Marcus, but because I need to able to find happiness somewhere else. I was fine before I met him, and I want to feel fine again. I just hope that God helps me find the strength in me to move on if he is indeed out of my life. God, this hurts so much. :(

Sunday, December 22, 2002

:( I cant even tell you how sad I feel. I'm a retard for even puting a guy in a possition where he could affect me so much. Things with Marcus aren't exctly good. The worst part is I have no idea whats going on with him. He's acting completely cold, avoiding me, and not returning my calls. Who wouldve known that an un-returned phone call or an un answered phone could hurt so much? i don't even know what I did this time, because usually I say some fucked up thing, but I cant think of anything I couldve said or done. I've been crying all day, well, the mall cheered me up a little bit. I finished buying my x-mas presents and I got him his gift, although by the way things are, I dont think he really wants to talk to me, let alone see me. I'd like to think that I am not a bad person, that I try to do the right thing and that I always try to work problems out. I have no clue what is going through Marcus' head right now, and I would give anything to know, because if he doesnt want to see me anymore, I would feel better knowing. Mayeb I'm overreacting, maybe he has things to do and he hasnt had time to talk to me. Maybe he just needs a break from me. I dont know. :( It hurts soo much, I dont even know what to do. The thing that hurts the most is just realizing that I am completely incapable of holding onto someone. What's wrong with me??? I never needed a relationship to be happy, but when I'm in a situation like it, it makes me so sad. The only thing I want is for things to work out between us, because I have never met anyone like him. Ive never met anyone who I was willing to fight for more than him. I feel like he's what I need, what I want, what makes me happy. I was listening to my favorite Creed song today, and I feel as if that song was written for me. So much that when I saw them in concert both time, I started crying when they played this song. It's perfect. Don't Stop Dancing At times life is wicked and I just can�t see the light A silver lining sometimes isn�t enough To make some wrongs seem right Whatever life brings I�ve been through everything And now I�m on my knees again But I know I must go on Although I hurt I must be strong Because inside I know that many feel this way Children don�t stop dancing Believe you can fly Away�away At times life�s unfair and you know it�s plain to see Hey God I know I�m just a dot in this world Have you forgot about me? Whatever life brings I�ve been through everything And now I�m on my knees again But I know I must go on Although I hurt I must be strong Because inside I know that many feel this way Am I hiding in the shadows? Forget the pain and forget the sorrows But I know I must go on Although I hurt I must be strong Because inside I know that many feel this way Children don�t stop dancing Believe you can fly Away�away Am I hiding in the shadows? Are we hiding in the shadows?

Thursday, December 19, 2002

I am sooooooooo sad today. :( Marcus and I got into an argument last night and he has not called me today. I think I jinxed it by writing about him on here. We have this huge meeting tonight with the board members and I have to read a letter supporting my boss. I am so nervous since I am the youngest one working here and I doint think those people will take me seriously. On a better note, my friend Jeree flys in from Delaware today. I get to meet her husband and stuff. She wants to go to Reno tonight, but I dont feel like walking over the bridge into mexico in this 30 degree weather in my hoochie mama shirts. I would really much rather just spend some time with Marcus. :( I hope he calls me.

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

It's been a long time since I felt the way I feel today. About 2 months ago I felt ontop of the world, it felt soooo good to be me and it seemed that everythign was going right. Now I feel like my life has gone into the complete oposite direction. People that know me may have heard me say "I think God forgot about me." It's so dramatic and so lame of me to say, but man, it sure does feel that way more often than not. Christmas should be a time whn you're full of happiness and joy and cheer. I feel like I'm full of pesimistic thoughts of self pity and finding myself crying over stupid little things. (and NO this is NOT PMS.) If it wasnt for my job, I would feel so lonely. It seems like I push myself away from my friends sometimes, because I'm changing, and my views onflict with theirs. I have new friends, but we're not that close. I miss how things used to be in highschool! I feel lonely sometimes, even though I have so many people around me that love me and care about me. I guess I just really try to be accepted by everyone, and when someone doesnt accept me, it sucks. When things dont go as I planned, it sucks. And when the one person who matters so much to me, doesnt give me the attention i crave/want/need it really sucks. Alot, maybe more than I'm willing to admit, comes down to that. I fel so self concious and insecure. I always wonder if im smart enough, if im pretty enough, if im sexy enough, if i'm good enough. I want to make this work so much, because I feel like I am somehow incapable of having any sort of romantic relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I don't know if it's me, if it's my insecurity that makes me less attractive, or if maybe I just havent found someone who is trully right for me. I'v been seeing someone for the past 7 weks,and I havent written about him on here because I dont want to jinx anything. It seems thatr anytime I write about a guy I am dating, something goes terribly wrong. i really see this sie as an outlet for me to be me. Like to really just be me, and no have to put on this facade of what I think other people might want me to be. Marus is really amazing. From our very first date, I was so intrigued by him. We spent 2 weeks together right after our first date. He was so polite, so respectful, so wonderful. Marcus just got out of a 6 yr relationship, he has a 2 year old son. I am not bothered by the fact that he has a kid. I admire him for being able to take care of him. It seems that now, Marcus isnt the same with me anymore. And I cant help but wonder if maybe, Im not good enough. If maybe I did something or let him down. I'm not saying that he affects me so much that I feel my life is kind of affected by it as well. Life goes on, I dont even know what I'm saying anymore. maybe I just try too hard to be accepted. Maybe I try to hard to make relationships work, or maybe I dont try hard enough. Everyone feels alone and scared sometimes, and this is my time to feel that way. Sometimes all you want is a hug from someone who cares, and that would make it go away.

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

I have been so lazy! It's just so typical of me to be this way, anyone that knows me knows I procrastinate on everything. Alot of stuff has beein going on with me. Lot's of boy drama (as always) personal drama, family drama, work drama, its insane! Most of it is incredibly stupid, and I swear, peoples stupidity never ceases to amaze me. Lauren is graduating from college this saturday! I am so proud of her! She already got hired to work in January, so she will be my sugar momma and support me. Lauren, I'll go to Colinas and get the lease paperwork ready so you can sign and start paying the rent on our new bling bling apartment! Think of all the hotties by the pool in the summer!!! *drools* Lauren is such a great friend and even though she always manages to sound rude on the phone (witch!) shes beyond awesome. Gaby and Nepha invited me up to Cruces this thursday to go to some new club they opened up there. I'm not sure if I'm going, but it sounds like fun. I am also thinking about going back to NMSU for the spring. It's such a tough decision, but I need to really sit down and think about it. I've been having a really goods time with my friends lately and the people around me. So much has happened at work, and I'm learning so much. I've learned to appreciate life so much more now, and just how important it is to tell people that you love them, that you care about them, before it's too late. :) So if you're even taking the time to read the mumblings of a lamer that is me, thank you. :) I've been talking to Arial because Trouble told me he was super cool! She did not lie! Turns out that Arial lives in El Paso too! :O isn't that weird??? We get drunk at the same Double Daves evey wed. and didnt even know it! I think that's some very worthy gossip, cam bitches guy and b-list cam girl get drunk together. hahaha I want to go see the new Harry Potter movie tonight, maybe I will. I need to do alot of x-mas shopping because, well, I havent done any yet! haha I am going to start working a new layout, a real one with content, not just a blog and a cam. I have some really cool stuff planned, so tell your friends! Lame. Bye.