Thursday, January 30, 2003

I WANT TO GRADUATE ALREADY!!! School blows. I need a sponsor that will suport me for the rest of my life. Anyone wanna help? :(

Monday, January 20, 2003

Hi....I didnt forget about my site. I have started to write something a few times, but then I get emotional and distraught so I stop or I close this window. I am still not over the whole Marcus thing. It defenetly hit me harder than I expected it to. It's like, he wasnt even my boyfriend, but we were in a relationship that was so much like it. We spent all our free time together and we were like peanut butter and jelly. Excuse the cheesy metaphor. Then when he just stopped talking to me all of a sudden, I was like WTF. So I would call him, he wouldnt answer, I'd leave a voicemail, he wouldnt call back. It was just completely heartbreaking. Now I know why they call it a broken heart, the feeling inside is so fuckin horrible that it must be what it feels like to have your heart breaking. See?! I'm so not over his ass yet. It's getting easier for me to not think of him, and when I do think of him, I don't start crying all the time. I've even tried to meet new guys and date a little, but I can't even enjoy a date or feel completely normal talking to a guy because I still have him in the back of my mind. I am back at New Mexico State University! Wooo! It feels so good to be back and be in a familiar enviornment with people I know and with my friends. I am soooo going through the I just wanna graduate phase right now and I am hauling ass to try to get a 4.0 this semester and graduate and all that other good stuff. My family life has been full of turmoil too. My parents announced that after 36 years of being married, they were going to split up. I was in so much shock and so angry at them. Especially at my mom because she moved out of the house. So not only had Marcus walked out of my life, but my parents were pretty much doing their own thing. I felt so alone. Sooooo sooo sooo alone. I was scared of what I was going to do. I have never had to take care of myself or provide for myself. My parents had always given me everything, and when I found out, I was sooo angry that I thought that I would be able to move out and be on my own and not have to worry about them because I could make it on my own. hahaha yeah right. Reality is that I am not ready to do this yet because I havent even graduated from college yet. And there is no way that I am going to live in some shitty ass place and eat ramen noodles for breakfast lunch and dinner. No way jose. Its like a million things were running through my mind and i was scared that I wouldnt be able to figure my shit out and that I would be alone. I am so scared of being alone, not in a sense that I need to have a boyfriend by my side in order for me to feel whole. But when I have that and I lose it, its the worst feeling in the world. I do perfectly well being single and not feeling alone. I have some of the most awesome friends in the world and I love them to death because they have been here for me so many times and they always make me feel like I am not alone. So basicly, thats what has been going on with me. I am just waiting for things to get better, because I doubt that things can get any worse. Theres a saying in spanish that says "El Se�or aprieta pero no ahorca", which kind of means that God will squeeze but he wont choke. Its something good to remember in times like this.

Friday, January 03, 2003

I am alergic to cleaning. No, seriously I am! Today we all dressed down and grungy to comde to work because we were going to clean this place up. So far, I have gone through a box of kleenex because my allergies just started out of no where! I am sooooo allergic to house work. Last night Margaret, Nepha, Lauren and her friends and I went to the Stampede. It sucked so much. New Years was a bust too. I didnt get to kiss anyone at midnight and this fat dyke tried to hit on me and my kick ass outfit and super perfect hair for that night were ruined bvy the champagne that they sprayed all over the fuckin place. :( My new years resolutions? 1. six pack abs and buns of steel 2. date guys that are worthwhile 3. get on the deans list I know I always say I'm going to get on the deans list, but this time i'm going to do it~!!!! hahahahaha yeah right