Hi my name is Lisa, I'm 21 years old, and I have a problem. I date guys that treat me like shit and I like it! hahaha OK so Marcus gave me the ever ppular "I need time to myself right now" talk and somehow that makes me so sad and so angry and so confused. I miss him like crazy, but what am I gonna do? Well I have decided a few things. I am going to move back to New Mexico. Thats right, I'm going to go back to NMSU. :D It is something that I've been debating for a while, but now with all this drama (not just the Marcus drama) going on in my life, I think it's best if I just go away. I know, I'm such a chicken for running from my problems. My car is still dead, so I finally got sick of waiting for my dad to call a repair place and do someting about it, so I called one on my own. I sounded like a moron tyring to explain what was wrong with my car to that man. So I go downstairs and ask my dad if he jump starts the car does he think I could make it to the shop. And he says he already called someone. Grrrr. I hate being without a car. I have also been enjoying beign a groupie. :D I've been partying with the Washington and Purdue football payers this weekend. I had sooo much fun. We danced allll night long and they were so fun and cute and cool! Why can't NMSU or UTEP football players be so cool? OK, well there is that ONE utep football player that makes me swoon, but thats another story. My friends and I are going to the Sun Fiesta today, so it should be good! Then we're all gonna go to the Sun Bowl tomorrow. We dont know a damn thing about football, but we're going to get wasted and cheer for the cute guys.

Last night my friends and I got together to celebrate Christmas. I was still crying because I have no idea what is going on with Marcus, so at first I was kind of blah. Then Nepha told us that Mario had proposed to her, so we all got happy. Karla Rivera and Leo are more in love than ever, but he's in Acapulco with his family right now, so she was just really bummed out. Ariana and Roman are still together and things are great for her. Karla Sanchez is still with the Cesar drama that never ends and she swears that this time they broke up for good. Natalia is still my partner in crime for the girls who just cant have a relationship. We all went around ij a circle and said what we were thankful for, and we were all pretty much thankfull for the same things. Our friendship. Everyone said things that really came from the heart, and we all realized that guys come and go, other people come and go, jobs come and go, but we always have each other and we know that when we get together everything is kind of put on hold because we have a true friendship. Of course we all caught up on gossip, shared secrets (that had been kpt for years and years) and we laughed. Karla had this little book that her mom gave her on love. We talked about love and relationships and feelings and emotions and how we felt. I can honestly say that I dont think I have ever bonded with someone in that way. Everything we talked about made me realize just how much I have changed. I thought that I had changed and become a better person by becoming more open minded and trusting people. I have been such an idiot because I have let myself grow apart from my friends and I started hanging out with people that I would never even associate with a few years ago. I dont mean to sound like a snob, if anything, I'm glad that I'm not a snob anymore and that I am capable of seeing past the physical and more into the soul. We stayed up till 1 am talking, and my friends made me feel so good and they helped me see that I'm worth more than this, and if he isn't mature enough to pick up a phone and call me, at least to tell me that he hates me, then I'm not the one with the problem. I learned alot about what love is, what love does, what love takes, and that love hurts. After talking with Karla, I saw that she and Leo were really in love and that I've never felt that way about anyone before. I have loved people, but never have I gotten the feelings that she described. Do I love Marcus? Yes. Am in love with him? No. I would be crazy to say that. I am so hurt, I cant even find any other words to say how much it hurts. It hurts that I'm not going to call him, and it hurts knowing that he probably isnt going to call me. The hardest part is trying to understand how he could've changed so much. I thought that he was the man that I had always dreamed of. He had so many qualities that I thought were what I was looking for in a partner. He treated me like a princess, he made me feel so special, so cared for, so loved. And how he was able to just take it all away without explaining anything, and from one day to the next, I dont underastand. last night when I got home, I was reflecting on what I had talked about with my friends, then I thought of Marcus and i started to cry. I miss him. I miss him so much. So I did something that I do when I've lost all hope and I need someone to talk to who will just listen. I prayed. Not so much because I miss Marcus, but because I need to able to find happiness somewhere else. I was fine before I met him, and I want to feel fine again. I just hope that God helps me find the strength in me to move on if he is indeed out of my life. God, this hurts so much. :(

:( I cant even tell you how sad I feel. I'm a retard for even puting a guy in a possition where he could affect me so much. Things with Marcus aren't exctly good. The worst part is I have no idea whats going on with him. He's acting completely cold, avoiding me, and not returning my calls. Who wouldve known that an un-returned phone call or an un answered phone could hurt so much? i don't even know what I did this time, because usually I say some fucked up thing, but I cant think of anything I couldve said or done. I've been crying all day, well, the mall cheered me up a little bit. I finished buying my x-mas presents and I got him his gift, although by the way things are, I dont think he really wants to talk to me, let alone see me. I'd like to think that I am not a bad person, that I try to do the right thing and that I always try to work problems out. I have no clue what is going through Marcus' head right now, and I would give anything to know, because if he doesnt want to see me anymore, I would feel better knowing. Mayeb I'm overreacting, maybe he has things to do and he hasnt had time to talk to me. Maybe he just needs a break from me. I dont know. :( It hurts soo much, I dont even know what to do. The thing that hurts the most is just realizing that I am completely incapable of holding onto someone. What's wrong with me??? I never needed a relationship to be happy, but when I'm in a situation like it, it makes me so sad. The only thing I want is for things to work out between us, because I have never met anyone like him. Ive never met anyone who I was willing to fight for more than him. I feel like he's what I need, what I want, what makes me happy. I was listening to my favorite Creed song today, and I feel as if that song was written for me. So much that when I saw them in concert both time, I started crying when they played this song. It's perfect. Don't Stop Dancing At times life is wicked and I just can�t see the light A silver lining sometimes isn�t enough To make some wrongs seem right Whatever life brings I�ve been through everything And now I�m on my knees again But I know I must go on Although I hurt I must be strong Because inside I know that many feel this way Children don�t stop dancing Believe you can fly Away�away At times life�s unfair and you know it�s plain to see Hey God I know I�m just a dot in this world Have you forgot about me? Whatever life brings I�ve been through everything And now I�m on my knees again But I know I must go on Although I hurt I must be strong Because inside I know that many feel this way Am I hiding in the shadows? Forget the pain and forget the sorrows But I know I must go on Although I hurt I must be strong Because inside I know that many feel this way Children don�t stop dancing Believe you can fly Away�away Am I hiding in the shadows? Are we hiding in the shadows?

I am sooooooooo sad today. :( Marcus and I got into an argument last night and he has not called me today. I think I jinxed it by writing about him on here. We have this huge meeting tonight with the board members and I have to read a letter supporting my boss. I am so nervous since I am the youngest one working here and I doint think those people will take me seriously. On a better note, my friend Jeree flys in from Delaware today. I get to meet her husband and stuff. She wants to go to Reno tonight, but I dont feel like walking over the bridge into mexico in this 30 degree weather in my hoochie mama shirts. I would really much rather just spend some time with Marcus. :( I hope he calls me.

It's been a long time since I felt the way I feel today. About 2 months ago I felt ontop of the world, it felt soooo good to be me and it seemed that everythign was going right. Now I feel like my life has gone into the complete oposite direction. People that know me may have heard me say "I think God forgot about me." It's so dramatic and so lame of me to say, but man, it sure does feel that way more often than not. Christmas should be a time whn you're full of happiness and joy and cheer. I feel like I'm full of pesimistic thoughts of self pity and finding myself crying over stupid little things. (and NO this is NOT PMS.) If it wasnt for my job, I would feel so lonely. It seems like I push myself away from my friends sometimes, because I'm changing, and my views onflict with theirs. I have new friends, but we're not that close. I miss how things used to be in highschool! I feel lonely sometimes, even though I have so many people around me that love me and care about me. I guess I just really try to be accepted by everyone, and when someone doesnt accept me, it sucks. When things dont go as I planned, it sucks. And when the one person who matters so much to me, doesnt give me the attention i crave/want/need it really sucks. Alot, maybe more than I'm willing to admit, comes down to that. I fel so self concious and insecure. I always wonder if im smart enough, if im pretty enough, if im sexy enough, if i'm good enough. I want to make this work so much, because I feel like I am somehow incapable of having any sort of romantic relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I don't know if it's me, if it's my insecurity that makes me less attractive, or if maybe I just havent found someone who is trully right for me. I'v been seeing someone for the past 7 weks,and I havent written about him on here because I dont want to jinx anything. It seems thatr anytime I write about a guy I am dating, something goes terribly wrong. i really see this sie as an outlet for me to be me. Like to really just be me, and no have to put on this facade of what I think other people might want me to be. Marus is really amazing. From our very first date, I was so intrigued by him. We spent 2 weeks together right after our first date. He was so polite, so respectful, so wonderful. Marcus just got out of a 6 yr relationship, he has a 2 year old son. I am not bothered by the fact that he has a kid. I admire him for being able to take care of him. It seems that now, Marcus isnt the same with me anymore. And I cant help but wonder if maybe, Im not good enough. If maybe I did something or let him down. I'm not saying that he affects me so much that I feel my life is kind of affected by it as well. Life goes on, I dont even know what I'm saying anymore. maybe I just try too hard to be accepted. Maybe I try to hard to make relationships work, or maybe I dont try hard enough. Everyone feels alone and scared sometimes, and this is my time to feel that way. Sometimes all you want is a hug from someone who cares, and that would make it go away.

I have been so lazy! It's just so typical of me to be this way, anyone that knows me knows I procrastinate on everything. Alot of stuff has beein going on with me. Lot's of boy drama (as always) personal drama, family drama, work drama, its insane! Most of it is incredibly stupid, and I swear, peoples stupidity never ceases to amaze me. Lauren is graduating from college this saturday! I am so proud of her! She already got hired to work in January, so she will be my sugar momma and support me. Lauren, I'll go to Colinas and get the lease paperwork ready so you can sign and start paying the rent on our new bling bling apartment! Think of all the hotties by the pool in the summer!!! *drools* Lauren is such a great friend and even though she always manages to sound rude on the phone (witch!) shes beyond awesome. Gaby and Nepha invited me up to Cruces this thursday to go to some new club they opened up there. I'm not sure if I'm going, but it sounds like fun. I am also thinking about going back to NMSU for the spring. It's such a tough decision, but I need to really sit down and think about it. I've been having a really goods time with my friends lately and the people around me. So much has happened at work, and I'm learning so much. I've learned to appreciate life so much more now, and just how important it is to tell people that you love them, that you care about them, before it's too late. :) So if you're even taking the time to read the mumblings of a lamer that is me, thank you. :) I've been talking to Arial because Trouble told me he was super cool! She did not lie! Turns out that Arial lives in El Paso too! :O isn't that weird??? We get drunk at the same Double Daves evey wed. and didnt even know it! I think that's some very worthy gossip, cam bitches guy and b-list cam girl get drunk together. hahaha I want to go see the new Harry Potter movie tonight, maybe I will. I need to do alot of x-mas shopping because, well, I havent done any yet! haha I am going to start working a new layout, a real one with content, not just a blog and a cam. I have some really cool stuff planned, so tell your friends! Lame. Bye.

Wow, I've neglected this for a looooong time now. I've been semi-busy and havent really had time or motivation to write something on here. I just got back from a 2nd interview at Tres Mariposas. It went well and I certainly impressed them with knowing what Womans Wear Daily was. It would be an awesme job, not to mention the killer employee discount! gah ok Last night I went to a quincea�era, which is a Mexican girls 15th birthday party. It's like a sweet 16 I guess, but alot more dramatic, almost like a wedding. I had one, and it was awesome. It was one of the best ones I would say, everyone (except me of course) found a boyfriend/girlfreind, then Leslie spilled that drink all ovrer Jeannette, people I hated were there, we made up the piruja dance...hahahah....good times. I've been feeling kind of down, one of our kids pased away this week, he was only 2 years old. It keeps getting harder and hareder for me to deal with it and work there and be strong and everyting else. It's just so unfair how kids lose their battle to cancer, even with early detection and harsh treatments. It makes my reason of being alot harder to understand, but I need to stop focusing so much on it. I'm driving myself crazy just thinking about it. Wed I went to Double Daves with Lauren, but no one interesting was there. hahah, somethingh funny did happen though. Joe, the manager, is my ex bf's former roomate, so Iknow him pretty well and he usually hooks us up. Lauren and I were both pretty hungry so we decide to get the buffett ad grub on some pizza. I give her 10 bucks, and tell her to go get both of us hooked up for 10 dollars, but to try to getit for 5 first. So she goes over there and I see her talking with Joe. Then she comes back, and says, ummm ok. I got it for 10. And I ask what happened and she says, "I asked him how much he would would charge me for a buffet and he said $3.50, so then I said, ok, can I have 2 for 10 dollars?" Lauren...you are the wind beneath my wings lover!!@ hahahaha That was by far THE BLONDEST moment in time that we have shared. hahaha ok anyway. I can't really think of anything else to write, so i'll stop here. Thanks. Ohhh, its my moms b-day tomorrow, she'll be 56! :O

I havent updated in forever...shoot me, I have lots to say, i will post later!!! <3 you mom, because I know youre the only person who visits this site! hahaha

Its thursday night, 8:55 pm, and i'm still at the office. This totally bites. I am beyond sleepy, I am just in zombie mode. Marcus came over and he's keeping me company. <3 yay marcus yay I want to kill my boss for being such a perfectionist. I have to stay here and work, because she wants to put some shit out of the way tonight. I could perfectly well do this for tomorrow, but i will be flexible, and I will please her. <3 me. DIE thanks

I AM ANGRY AT THE WORLD.

Friday Five sucks today, so i shall post the googlism for Lisa. It's suprisingly porn-ish and slutty. Googlism for: lisa lisa is adyktive lisa is on lisa is framed lisa is back lisa is a 76 year old lady who lives alone in lisa is eastenders culprit lisa is forever smiling lisa is a ny yankees fan lisa is a race car driver lisa is set to go wild in zambia lisa is likely to see signals from mbhs peter bender jila / lisa is crowned lisa is cool lisa is very hot and waits for your cock that 70's porn lisa is absolutely correct lisa is widely moving apart the pink wet vagina of her lesbian lisa is tenderly licking the sexy buttocks of her girlfriend by lisa is waiting for lisa is webminded lisa is king of the world lisa is a loser lisa is adyktively versatile lisa is true lisa is sitting pretty enough lisa is a 76 year old lady who lives alone in sheltered accommodation and prior to this hospital admission was able to care for herself lisa is bottoms up lisa is eastenders culprit phil mitchell confronts lisa on eastenders on thursday the ex lisa is het slimste lid van de simpsons lisa is a race car driver in the pits lisa is likely to see signals from mbhs peter lisa is lisa is cool have you seen lisa's journal? i like it an awful lot and i'm sure you will lisa is very hot and waits for your cock lisa is a production lisa is very hot and waits for your cock brittany spears babe outdoors wanting lisa is the voice of koran in legend of himiko from central park media lisa is widely moving apart the pink wet vagina of her lesbian friend and licking her opened asshole lisa is tenderly licking the sexy buttocks of her girlfriend by her wet tongue lisa is gonna get it on come and watch lisa is geboren lisa is an outspoken adversary of the left and radical feminism and a proponent of modern conservative principles lisa is not an unmixed blessing for a work of art lisa is waiting for you to cum big boob blonde takes it from both ends love bugs good goody bady bady hardcore lisa is working chiara and she has tonya as her little helper lisa is hot lisa is kept in the warden's office lisa is a good mother because she is a kind lisa is the founder and president of the snider's web lisa is a co lisa is dead lisa is actively involved in fostering education in globalization lisa is a dive lisa is editor lisa is a very experienced musical theatre actress and dancer who most recently starred in les miserables lisa is now a minimal hurricane lisa is a non lisa is worried by the number of times she's seen josh talking to chiara lisa is hung in napoleon bonapart's bedroom in the tuileries lisa is also coordinating team efforts to create a long lisa is painted over gioconda lisa is participating in the lisa is one of the country's foremost illusionists with a bachelor of arts degree in speech with concentration in theatre lisa is an eight year old female in the third grade lisa is originally from toronto lisa is still in college lisa is more excited than max lisa is the right coach for me? lisa is a story about a man named george lisa is part of a team that brings in excess of 25 years real estate experience in prince william and northern virginia alone lisa is fully functional lisa is more confident on the mat lisa is home lisa is the voice behind some of the 1980s' most memorable songs lisa is the best lisa is a slighly boring character because she's so good all the time lisa is an enthusiastic and motivated teacher who is totally inspired to assist others in finding their own answers lisa is about? want to know how it can benefit both yourself and the leigh centurions rugby league club lisa is used to signify "a woman of great taste" a pun put into service for a lisa is used first as an attribute of absolute and absolutely corrupt power lisa is highly complementary to the large ground lisa is in the second grade at springfield elementary school where she excels in all subject areas lisa is a native memphian who attended germantown high school lisa is very hot and waits for your cock and pheromones pix lisa is the author of so you want to start a chronic illness/pain ministry lisa is a first year mechanical engineering student whose hobbies are playing in a band and lisa is similar to a dynamic link library lisa is a spunky lisa is a terrific editor lisa is an expert sound designer and arranger as well as the premier new age harpist lisa is the child of a jewish mother and a black father lisa is the short one What do you think about that, eh? ;) I added some more people that I had to link, so ta-da! <3 you guys and dont forget to spread the word, www.sooperficial.net!!!

I'M BACK!!

Look, I want to be fuckin cool too. I have decided to answer the infamous Friday 5. 1. What is your favorite scary movie? Scary movies usualy give me nightmares, but the one that I absolutely loved was the re-make of The Shining done for ABC or NBC or sone of those newtworks. Man that was soooo scary! :O 2. What is your favorite Halloween treat? Candy Apples and Ice cream punch! 3. Do you dress up for Halloween? If so, describe your best Halloween costume. I usually dress up when I have no choice. I dont think I ever had a cool costume. Ohhh wait....there was that year that Ariana and I dressed up as Beavis and Butthead for halloween! Uh huh huh uhuh.... 4. Do you enjoy going to haunted houses or other spooky events? I like going so I can be scared out of my mind and then when it's over I can be a bad ass and tell my friends how cheesy it was. 5. Will you dress up for Halloween this year? Yes. I am going to be strawberry fanta! Shoot me I am lame. BTW I talked to Ryan last night. He seemed to be sooo sweet and sooo wonderful and sooooo much like he was in the begining. We talked for like an hour or so, just catching up on what had happened since we stopped talking and stuff. I think he is chnaging for the better now, which is great. He just needs to lay off the heavy partying and the pills. I even got him to admit that I was one of the best things to ever happen to him. :D I miss the good times we had just hanging out at his house with his parents and Wes and the cat and the dog from hell who didnt like ANYONE but somehow ended up loving me and even sat on my lap. *sigh* ok The last thing I want is to come off as a total skank and boy crazy kind of girl. But isnt that what being single is all about? I'm young, I'm ok looking, and I deserve to have fun before I get tied down to someone for the rest of my life. I hope I bump into Ben tonight. I have made it a personal goal of mine to get him to kiss me. ;) I saw him flirting with this girl last Saturday at Xcape in the VIP lounge. She was not that cute. But if thats the kind of girl he likes, I think I have a chance. :D I wonder what Tara would think if she knew I was trying to hook up with her brother??? Good thing shes at USD and not here! :P ho ho ho

Ok, so I wasnt really nude. But you could join freakcams anyway and get all the cool shit it has to offer! I will be adding more galleries shortly, but the ones that are there are pretty good! Anyway, I've been kind of sick these past few days. It seems that wearing skanky shirts out to bars and sitting outside drinking cold beer makes you sick. ugh. Who cares I had a blast. Today however, I am suffering the consequences after I have od'd on dayquil/nyquil! I feel spaced out and I'm very irritable. Have any of you ever felt like this after taking that shit for too long? Let me know. Yesterday I went to lunch with Rocky. *sigh* That was really weird. Well the actuall time I spent with him wasnt weird, but what happened because of it is. His ex gf works with him and apparently she saw me walk out of the store with him. I have no idea who the chick is or what she looks like. I guess I was kind of worried that he was using me to make her mad, but he said that he didnt even know she was working. Then the fact that he was confused and angry after what she did, made me feel weird. Which makes no sense because I have vowed to myself to not even care or focus on anything that has to do with Rocky. It's not like he's the only guy that likes me, but it still hurt a little bit. :( Does that make sense? I guess despite any other guys I am talking to or seeing at the moment, Rocky has more of a hold on me. Cheesey, I know. Slap me. Thanks. And I found out from Rocky that Mario was Dominic_21_99. It freaked me out because they were trying to make it seem so sneaky that they were reading my site and what I wrote and blah blah. I never write anything that I would regret here, so I'm safe. I guess it feels weird since I never expected him to read my site. Today I was pissed of at the world because some network idiots went into my office and instaled a firewall and all this other bull shit and now my PC is fucked up the ass and has no internet connection. To make it worse, they switched me over to a cable server and took me off the DSL one. ROAD RUNNER DIE DIE DIE!!! That would piss anyone off, right? It was ok in a way since I got to sit there and not really do anyting all day but eat candy and answer the phones. I <3 my job! Rocky might come over later tonight. If he isnt too freaked out about me being a weirdo today. ho ho ho Aaaand I need to shop for the rest of my halloween costume for the party on saturday. I'm going to be a fanta bitch! OUSH!##@!

hi, click this to see me nude. Thanks.

This week could not have been any better! I had a blast partying with all my great friends! Wednesday night at Double Daves I was sooooo sauced I have no idea how or why I did alot of the shit I did. Let's see, I told Brian Givens that I had a crush on him, I told Ryan that he was a sorry motherfucker, I had a convo with some guy in my art class about relationships, and i tried to out chug a 6 foot 3 inch football player. Friday Nepha Gaby and I went to Hemingways and we were having a pretty good time. We saw some cute guys, alot of gross ones (which wouldnt leave us alone). Then I hear someone saying "Lisa from Candlelighters!!" over and over again, so I turn around and it was Coach Nate Poss, Utep football coach and he's having a great ol' time and he says that he wants to introduce me to some people. That man is so sweet, he made me sound like an angel to all those other people he introduced me to. He even gave me a sideline pass for the game against Rice. It was a really fun night and alot of interesting shit happened. We bumped into alot of people like Karla and Natalia who were of coursed, dressed to the nines and made us look like chump-ass hoochie mamas in our jeans and skanky shirts. It was a fun night. Saturday we went to Xcape, and I called Greg so he could get us into VIP. Well, one of the bouncers saw us and he gave us VIP wrist bands! We are some mega fly bitches. :D Nepha ended up going with Mario and Rocky. Just when I saw Ben Ivy, nepha calls us and tells us they're there. :( Ben Ivy you are soo cute! He's 26 and he's a lawyer and hes hott. gah ok I ended up having a really good time with Rocky and he was really sweet. <3 I really like this guy, but I have never received more mixed signals ever! I'm not even stressing about it. If he likes me, fine. If he just wants to fuck around with me, fine. I don't really care because I feel happy now. :D I have a great time whenver I'm with him, kissing him is the most delicious thing ever, he's incredibly funny, he's taller than me! But if he can't see what a bad ass I am, I'm not even going to sweat it. All the horrible things I went through with Ryan have made me into someone stronger. He lowered my self esteem so much, and it's demented how he could even make me feel so unatractive and flat out ugly. Now I dont give a shit what he, or any other guy thinks. I like me, and thats all that should matter. So Rocky, if you're reading this, I'm screwed. :/ hahaha ok whatever. Im cleaning out my closet today and getting rid of LOTS of clothes and shoes. I even did laundry and it turns out I have more clothes than I thought. I'll post some more later!

Went out to lunch with Ju-Ju today to the Golden Buddah formerly known as the Peking Garden. He got this cool new Kodak cam/mp3 player thingie! Ju-Ju is a GREAT photographer as well as a bomb ass waiter! Here are the pics he took of me! dont the dumpsters add to the sexyness of this bum grab shot? Ju-Ju said it was sooo "Mariah". hahaha This is me posing tres sexy right outside of the Rib Hut. Nothing could be sexier than a chick posing like that outside of a place that sells ribs!

I have whiplash I went offroading on saturday with Nepha Mario and Rocky. We drove out to red sands which is like super far from my house. I live on the far west side and that place is on the faaaaaaaaaaaar east. We took Mario's step dad's quad and we rode around the dunes and everything. Then some punk guy on a motocross bike hit me and Rocky! Ouch! I thought my leg was bad, but Rocky got hit pretty bad and he got some skin ripped off his ankle. The motocross freak fell off his bike and he broke his little break handle thing. Fucker, maybe he should have tried USING it and we would all be ok. Then we all went off in Rocky's 4 Runner and REALLY got crazy and bumpy on the dunes. Nepha and I screamed like little bitches and the guys just laughed at us. har har har Here are some pictures of our adventure....

They are so weird. They have this one little silent code for something and they wont tell us what it is. :( Thats ok. Nepha and I have ALOT more silent codes than they can ever come up with and I know they are just DYING to find out! hahaha suckas! i hope he isnt reading this, because then he'll get paranoid. Keep it on teh hush hush. Ha, and as i was writing this he just called me. unF he's pretty cool. whatever. anyway I have a test on wed...yuck alot. I get my math test back today. Sunday was cold. I had to stand outside and watch a polomatch for like 2 hours. It blew. I also found out that we lost 2 of our kids on Sunday. I had just met one of them and he seemed totally fine to me, but turns out he was really sick, but he just didnt wnt to check into the hospice. How do you deal when youre 16 and they ask you if you want to go to the hospice? That takes some major courage. ok....have fun adios **update I went out to Double Daves last night night and I bumped into Brian Givens! I have a huge crush on him and I was drunk so i let him know. He is sooo adorable. I also saw Applebee's Aaron there, who is now the kicker for UTEP...ugh, whatever he's already going bald. I saw a few other guys i knew there, it was fuckin awesome. ***MEGA update I got laid and it was great!!! *final update I hung out with Married Matt today, he is soooo hott! (and no longer married!) BTW HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEMETRIUS!!!! :D 27 isnt old...gha hahaha yeah right! :D You rock dude!

I am freaking out majorly. God, I am such a fuckin' airhead. :/ Working and going to school is soooo much harder than I ever thought it would be. I have the most laid back easiest job in the world, I'm sitting here at work typing this up. But the holiday season is our busiest time of year when we have lots of parties for the kids, Gala fundraisers and not to mention hospital visits. I know what you're thinking, all I do is take pictures and print them out. Thats not the hard part. I always have nothing to do, but then I get bombarded with projects and meetings and events when it seems that I have no time to even grab lunch! I've also been freaking out when I go to the hospital. I try to stay away from visiting the kids in there as much as I can, but sometimes I just need to suck it up, be professional and do my job. Can you even imagine how hard it is to see an 11 year old girl begging for more morphine because the pain she's in is overwhelming? To look into their eyes and see them sparkle when you take them some stickers or a picture of them with their brothers and sisters, wow. Now imagine seeing a little bit of yourself in those same eyes, in those same hospital rooms, every time you visit. It's even harder when you become close friends and a mentor of some sort with one of these kids, and they lose their battle. Imagine. When I was first diagnosed and going through chemotherapy, I kept asking the inevitable "why me?" question. Now that I am cured and healthy, I still find myself asking the same question: Why me? Why did I survive at a time when 7 out of every 10 children with cancer were dying? The ratio has since then changed to 3 out of 10, but that means there are still inocent kids losing life to a horrible illness. How do you deal knowing that you survived the same thing someone else couldnt? ok let's stop with the depression! whew... NMSU kicked UTEP's ass at the big game. I had alot of fun and we bumped into alot of people. Then Nepha's bf and the guy I went on that blind date with drove up to Las Cruces and we all went bar hopping. After that we went off roading in the desert! I was screaming like such a little bitch begging him to stop, then laughing my ass off and telling him to do it again! :D It's totaly safe since you're in the dessert and it's nothing but sand around you, so its not like you're going to hit a tree or anything. I have a ton of math hw to do, and I'm behind on my readings for history! I need to bring my grade up if I'm going to make the Dean's List. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about school yet for next semester. I have alot of thinking to do. God, growing up is such a bitch. I want my mami! Yes, mami. I call my parents Mami y Papi. How gay. I love it.

Blind date was a success! I made a big deal out of nothing and he actually turned out to be VERY funny and very cool. I had alot of fun and now I am off to Las Cruces for the battle of I-10! NMSU -vs- UTEP Nepha Gaby and I shall be boozing it up and cheering wildly! Go aggies!!!!!